The Spurs Won. Wow.

What we here at Drive and Diss have been predicting for years, nay, decades, has come true. The Spurs have won the championship. We can barely contain our excitement. We should really be in awe of the efficient team play of the Spurs, but we can't. As mentioned so eloquently in the previous post, it's hard to root for robots. So to wrap up our coverage of the 2007 NBA Finals, we leave you with this shot of Manu Ginobli playing a game of keep away. Thrilling.

I was wrong.

After my long slumber from journal entries with the Smooth Jazz whimper of a playoff series, I have finally been jolted to a waking state. Why? Because of the searing pains of boredom in my bowels as the San Antonio Robots clock in another championship.

As I watched Lebron's incredible single game performance against Detroit it seemed obvious to me certain rules would be in place for Lebron for his finals appearance. I expected "The Jordan Rules" to return for King James, just like it did for D. Wade during his championship run.

I was wrong. What we have here is the most horrid finals in recent memory. The San Antonio Robots are on the verge of another championship and all we can do is watch in a catatonic state devoid of any enjoyment. Why? Because the San Antonio Robots have no human emotion whatsoever. (Well, unless a foul is called on one of their big three. The San Antonio robots reflect crybaby emotion to perfection)

Although I am glad Jordan rules have been displaced to possibly rid yet another conspiracy theory for us to entertain, what we have left is nothing short of a moronic "who can outflop who" mixed with splendid defense and precision ball movement. Only the San Antonio Robots would be able to make this a laborious affair to watch.

At least we don't have to deal with the Pussycat Dolls commercial trash between time outs during the finals, but perhaps being flooded with them during the earlier rounds helps to explain one of the lowest ratings David Stern has had to deal with during his tenure. Yes David Stern, I am taking out my nauseating boredom out on you. The "NBA on NBC" golden age is a far cry to what we have now. John Tesh sweeping nba epics are now replaced with second string bimbo spice girls who obviously rely on sex appeal to sell us basketball. Just who is David Stern trying to cater to? I watched in horror as I got details of Eva Langoria's wedding during halftime the other day. Is Tony Parker going to dribble a basketball, do a lay-up, and flop at the pulpit to say "I do"? Desperate Housewives and Boring NBA finals are a recipe for disaster. What about the Desperate Fans?

The worst part of all of this is absolutely no one cares about the NBA anymore. When visiting the water cooler at work I often hang my head in shame when I strike up conversation asking "did you watch the game last night?". The answer is a resounding "no" as rpg games become the topic of conversation instead. Why? My belief lies with David Stern sacrificing mainstream viewers for dollars. Now, in order to watch any basketball we have to track it down on 4(or more) different channels. Back in the days of “NBA on NBC” viewers had a much simpler life. Playoff basketball was forced down your throat on network TV and people actually would watch their teams on LOCAL CHANNELS. The casual viewer could actually catch a game of Patrick Ewing on east coast time or Charles Barkley in a Suns uniform during playoff runs. The key is no one had to channel surf. If the playoffs were on casual viewers just had to find NBC….

(Insert heavy, downtrodden sigh here) The home of John Tesh's sweeping “NBA on NBC” theme music juxtaposed with a montage of the superstars of that era will always have a place in my heart.

-J

The Equation Behind the Unstoppable Spurs

Detroit? Cleveland? It does not matter who comes out of the East. The Spurs are your champions. One simple equation tells the tale:Tim Duncan is so confident he has already crafted himself a throne made of ice. And look at the competitive fire oozing from Popovich. These guys cannot be beat.

Roger Clemens: Go Away. Now. Please.

Please indulge Drive and Diss as we momentarily step away from the world of basketball to send a public service announcement to Roger Clemens: You orchestrate these dramatic "comebacks" year after year then grouse about getting all of the attention that you work so hard to court. Enough. You say it's not about the money when clearly it's all about the money. Enough. You have taken your picture with 4 of the 5 members of Aerosmith. Enough.
-E

NBA Fun Riddle of the day

FUN RIDDLE: What's the difference between a box of GLAZED Krispy Kreme doughnuts and the 2007 Playoff Tested Dallas Mavericks?

Answer: Absolutely Nothing.

-J

The Laker Curse (AKA Curse of the Logo) continues....

Congragulations Phil Jackson for another mediocre year and entertaining post season for Laker Haters everywhere. However, there was one subject missing that I found very odd. Every night I tuned in to watch the Lakers lose I noticed there was a distinct ommission of Phil Jackson "innovations" that he and his staff have taken credit for in previous championship years.

The most treasured invention is of course the "Triangle Offense". Did anyone notice that this stupid phrase was not mentioned more than twice during the Laker playoff run/exit? Why did the broadcasters stop drinking the Kool Aid? Does it only "work" when a Phil Jackson team wins??? Just for fun I decided to do a reimagined rendition of Phil's notes and playbook. This is a playbook simulation after watching 500 + games during Phil's baskeball tenure:

Step one: Have someone dribble the ball up.

Step two: Pass the ball to the most dominant player in the league. (Note to self, make sure to entrench yourself to a team that has the most dominant player in the league)

Step three: Have the most domininant player in the league shoot the damn ball.

Step Four: Try and take credit for it when you win. Use Tex Winter's steady hand and draw a pretty triangle.

Step Five: Wear a really smug look on yourself and tease the opposing teams underdog city while in the winning locker room press conferences. (Note to self: This does not work as well when losing a series. You must only do this during winning to show how much of an ass you can really be while being a hyprocrite to "zen buddhist thought" at the same time. )
Go Clippers. Til next year Laker fans.
-J

The Calvin Booth Identity Crisis

Washington Wizards back-up center Calvin Booth is a man in search of himself. Sometimes he’s a man about town, working rooms, and picking up ladies.



Other times he confuses playing for the Wizards with being an actual spell-casting wizard. Please note the following photo has not been retouched:

But the confounding quest for the soul of Calvin Booth becomes truly apparent when he takes the court. This is when the “Cal” tattoo on his left shoulder is visible. Nothing too unusual there. We here at Drive and Diss have “Drive and Diss” tattooed up and down each arm and leg as well as across our abdomen, but we digress. The “Cal” tattoo is so mystifying because it is in the exact same font as the logo for the University of California at Berkeley. Booth is from Ohio and attended Penn State. Booth has zero connection with the state of California. In fact, he has requested that the Wizards leave him home on any road trips that require travel through California. Could the tattoo be a desperate cry for help?



There is only one solution for Calvin Booth. He needs to get “Cal” tattooed in the wingdings font on his right shoulder. It will look something like this:


Witness Calvin Booth reborn with the elusive balance and inner peace he has been seeking his entire professional career. This should also drastically increase his rebounding numbers. Calvin Booth wins and more importantly, the Wizards win.

-E