Monday, April 14, 2008

New Drive and Diss Innovation for Western Conference Analysis: The Heart Meter





Trying to make sense of this year's Western Conference NBA playoffs? We hear you. From the labs of Drive and Diss we would like to introduce another innovation to clarify this year's Wild West Playoff picture.

Everyone that hates reading books and dating is well versed in the language of the Legend of Zelda. I have always found a parallel with Shigeru Miyamoto's video game masterpiece and a quest for an nba championship. What exactly is this similarity?

The heart meter.


This heart meter is the perfect gauge in determining which team has what it takes to win it all. In the Legend of Zelda, the hero "Link" must complete a series of quests to attain the final goal of rescuing Zelda and restoring order to the land. During each character building quest Link aquires hearts for his heart meter to sustain the rigors of the daunting digital campaign and weather the storm for the final, ultimate prize. The nba playoffs are similar in that way. Teams that have aquired the most "heart" during the regular season prove to have the best chance of furthering their quest for a championship run. Often times, some teams are even escorted by a princess during past playoff runs. Refer back to the Suns years with Kevin "The Desert Princess" Johnson for clarification.

In our analysis today the following teams can aquire up to four maximum hearts. Each heart represents a potential round success.


Los Angeles Lakers : 3.5 hearts


Kobe Bryant alone hogs all the heart of this team... sometimes unselfishly. Nonetheless, with the squad he has around him this year (once healthy) the Lakers have a decent shot at returning the luster to those yellow banners in the rafters. However... there is a lingering problem. That is of course the laker curse.


New Orleans Hornets: 2 hearts


What can be said of MVP candidate Chris Paul? He has carried this team the entire year while making his teamates look like all stars. However, the playoffs are a different animal and the jury is still out whether experience points even warrant the Hornets current heart meter. Heart tends to disappear in the playoffs and/or championship rounds for MVP candidates... Just ask Karl Malone and Dirk Nowitzki. Also refer to Peja's famed airball during the Kings upstart attempts to dethroning that Laker championship team.


Houston Rockets: 1/2 heart


Tracy McGrady has not made it out of the first round. The same could be said during the regular season when Mcgrady sometimes does not make it out of the first quarter. Does anyone remember how he phoned it in when his team needed him most during that historical streak?

Utah Jazz: 1.5 hearts


The Smooth Jazz laid down and cried in their last outing vs. the Lakers. The Jazz were a beacon of hope against their last outing against the Spurs. The Jazz are too indecisive to be a champion and Sloan carries 4 hearts by himself. Was their participation in the Western Conference Finals last year a fluke? This particualar Jazz fan thinks so.

Phoenix Suns: 2 hearts


Nash has no one. He carries those 2 hearts on his sleeve. A valiant MVP player that is surrounded by aging stars and a coach whose offensive genius has been rendered useless. This is all thanks to a knee jerk reaction to obtaining the Big Shaqtus. Everyone knows cacti are prickly and retain water. Interesting note: The Suns were in first place in the west before aquiring Shaq. Now they are in 5th place. How can this be regarded as a successful trade? The suns were known as an elite squad the past three years. Now they are playing the role of underdog against the nba elite, and losing. Boston and Detroit enjoyed the free wins. If the Suns adopt "Bully Basketball" from Shaq they will be fine. Can they adapt in time?

San Antonio Robots: 4 mechanical hearts


It does not matter where the Spurs are seeded this year. They are programmed to fear no one. They also cheat and flop better than anyone. As they age they are perfecting old man basketball each and every play. They are robots and are progammed to do one thing: Win ugly. How unfortunate that no one outside of San Antonio considers this team watchable.

Golden State: 2 hearts


With Captain Jack and Baron Davis anything is a possibility. They are impervious to being bullied and shoot without conscience. The only team that can beat the Warriors is actually... themselves. With their hapless, "devil may care" nature they can shoot another team out of the game... and then brick that exact team back in. Will they make this years playoffs? It really depends on Denver's Heart meter...

Denver Nuggets: 2 hearts


These hearts belong to Iverson. Iverson has been in this scenario before and has performed admirably. If he decides to "rent" the leadership role from Carmelo Anthony and take the team on his back, they are guaranteed a playoff spot. Relying on 'Melo will not get it done.
UPDATE: Want more proof? Read here.



Rudy Tomjanovich once put it eloquently after his Hall of Fame center travelled his way to a championship with the "Dream Shake":

"Never Underestimate the heart of a champion"....

We hear you Rudy, and would love to elaborate and rip you off.

"Never underestimate the heart meter of a champion."



-J

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