We are back and so is Kwame!

Hello Drive and Diss fans. It's been a while. Too long for some. Not long enough for others. We have been busy working on scouting reports for the upcoming season. And apparently Kwame Brown has been busy as well. Busy getting arrested that is - and just in time for training camp!



Everyone's favorite draft bust was booked over the weekend in Georgia for disorderly conduct and interfering with a police officer after his cousin was charged with drunken driving. (He should have resisted arrest as well to go for the misdemeanor trifecta.) You know, there was a time we had some sympathy for Kwame. Half of Drive and Diss lives and dies with the Washington Wizards. We held out high hopes when he was drafted and felt bad about the incessant tongue lashings Kwame got from an over-the-hill Michael Jordan trying to recapture his glory days. However, we came to realize that Kwame simply did not have what it takes. He would have one explosive game where he would dominate on both ends of the court followed by 50 games where he would disappear. The Kwame Brown era was a dark chapter for the illustrious Wizards franchise. Fortunately it ended with the arrival of the shining light of Gilbert Arenas.



Below is Kwame in a pose we are all very familiar with: getting hurt. Kwame's other most recognizable pose has him dropping a pass in the post therby blowing a wide open layup. Did you know there is an active web site called kwamebrownsucks.com? We didn't either. We tip our hats to the industrial folks behind that site.


-E

New Nickname for KG. "The Big REGULAR SEASON Ticket"

I think I am a little bit confused here. For some reason ESPN, Fox, and sports writers across the media landscape are buzzing with the KG trade transaction. The "Big Ticket" is going to the Celtics. My response? "Big Deal...."

Unless the Celtic's faithful are fans of the regular nba season I hardly think this is something to applaud. For some interesting reason, a recipe for elite status in the NBA now comes from combining an injury prone shooting guard, an "all star default" swing forward guard, and one of the best non clutch big men to play the game.

KG wants a championship even though his play history has said otherwise. His trade appears to echo his play by joining two other playoffphobic stars in their quest to look really good in a regular season atmosphere.

Here at drive and diss, we take pride in using processes operating out of conventional wisdom to substantiate our claims. My research for today took a whopping 3 minutes to arrive at my conclusion about KG, Ray Allen, and Paul Pierce (as of 08/14/07):

-Go to Youtube.

-Type in "KG Game Winner" and look at the myriad of choices.

The current search yields some kind of skiing incident as the most "relevant" selection. This is followed by an actual game winner by KG in Portland. This video is then followed by another version of the same shot in Portland. YouTube then gives us a KG game winner over the lowly Sixers. The next example is the same victory shot over the Philly. Finally, this is followed by a World Championship match from the WWE video game "Raw vs. Smackdown" featuring Kiego available on the Playstation 2. After close scrutiny I counted 2 official game winners for KG that fans felt the need to share with the world. Does anyone really think KG will be calling for the ball in crunch time for Boston? (for entertainment purposes I have provided the direct link to the WWE match below)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xEh10nz6sI

For fun try this formula with "Ray Allen" or "Pierce Game winner" in the text field instead. Both yielded one whole page with the same odd mixture for results.

For even more fun type "Kobe Game Winner" to see what championship experienced players do. I counted 7 plus pages of results at first glance....

Laker Haters should thank Kevin Mchale for his entrenched, competitive, stubbornness to ensure instant championships take a detour away from the purple and gold. On a positive note, Kevin Mchale has been the Best GM the Celtic front office has had in a long time.

-J

Spotlight on...Paul Mokeski!

The fans have been clamoring for it and Drive and Diss is back with some fresh posts. And what could be fresher than early '80's, athletically challenged, white centers? Nothing, that's what! The Sports Guy at ESPN has covered this ground many times before, but it bears repeating: Paul Mokeski is the only NBA player ever with the build of a high school history teacher. Simply astonishing. Even more amazing, Paul Mokeski's name randomly came up today during Drive and Diss' lunch break. We had seafood; fish and chips and yellowtail to be specific. It was delicious. Thanks for asking.

The Spurs Won. Wow.

What we here at Drive and Diss have been predicting for years, nay, decades, has come true. The Spurs have won the championship. We can barely contain our excitement. We should really be in awe of the efficient team play of the Spurs, but we can't. As mentioned so eloquently in the previous post, it's hard to root for robots. So to wrap up our coverage of the 2007 NBA Finals, we leave you with this shot of Manu Ginobli playing a game of keep away. Thrilling.

I was wrong.

After my long slumber from journal entries with the Smooth Jazz whimper of a playoff series, I have finally been jolted to a waking state. Why? Because of the searing pains of boredom in my bowels as the San Antonio Robots clock in another championship.

As I watched Lebron's incredible single game performance against Detroit it seemed obvious to me certain rules would be in place for Lebron for his finals appearance. I expected "The Jordan Rules" to return for King James, just like it did for D. Wade during his championship run.

I was wrong. What we have here is the most horrid finals in recent memory. The San Antonio Robots are on the verge of another championship and all we can do is watch in a catatonic state devoid of any enjoyment. Why? Because the San Antonio Robots have no human emotion whatsoever. (Well, unless a foul is called on one of their big three. The San Antonio robots reflect crybaby emotion to perfection)

Although I am glad Jordan rules have been displaced to possibly rid yet another conspiracy theory for us to entertain, what we have left is nothing short of a moronic "who can outflop who" mixed with splendid defense and precision ball movement. Only the San Antonio Robots would be able to make this a laborious affair to watch.

At least we don't have to deal with the Pussycat Dolls commercial trash between time outs during the finals, but perhaps being flooded with them during the earlier rounds helps to explain one of the lowest ratings David Stern has had to deal with during his tenure. Yes David Stern, I am taking out my nauseating boredom out on you. The "NBA on NBC" golden age is a far cry to what we have now. John Tesh sweeping nba epics are now replaced with second string bimbo spice girls who obviously rely on sex appeal to sell us basketball. Just who is David Stern trying to cater to? I watched in horror as I got details of Eva Langoria's wedding during halftime the other day. Is Tony Parker going to dribble a basketball, do a lay-up, and flop at the pulpit to say "I do"? Desperate Housewives and Boring NBA finals are a recipe for disaster. What about the Desperate Fans?

The worst part of all of this is absolutely no one cares about the NBA anymore. When visiting the water cooler at work I often hang my head in shame when I strike up conversation asking "did you watch the game last night?". The answer is a resounding "no" as rpg games become the topic of conversation instead. Why? My belief lies with David Stern sacrificing mainstream viewers for dollars. Now, in order to watch any basketball we have to track it down on 4(or more) different channels. Back in the days of “NBA on NBC” viewers had a much simpler life. Playoff basketball was forced down your throat on network TV and people actually would watch their teams on LOCAL CHANNELS. The casual viewer could actually catch a game of Patrick Ewing on east coast time or Charles Barkley in a Suns uniform during playoff runs. The key is no one had to channel surf. If the playoffs were on casual viewers just had to find NBC….

(Insert heavy, downtrodden sigh here) The home of John Tesh's sweeping “NBA on NBC” theme music juxtaposed with a montage of the superstars of that era will always have a place in my heart.

-J

The Equation Behind the Unstoppable Spurs

Detroit? Cleveland? It does not matter who comes out of the East. The Spurs are your champions. One simple equation tells the tale:Tim Duncan is so confident he has already crafted himself a throne made of ice. And look at the competitive fire oozing from Popovich. These guys cannot be beat.

Roger Clemens: Go Away. Now. Please.

Please indulge Drive and Diss as we momentarily step away from the world of basketball to send a public service announcement to Roger Clemens: You orchestrate these dramatic "comebacks" year after year then grouse about getting all of the attention that you work so hard to court. Enough. You say it's not about the money when clearly it's all about the money. Enough. You have taken your picture with 4 of the 5 members of Aerosmith. Enough.
-E

NBA Fun Riddle of the day

FUN RIDDLE: What's the difference between a box of GLAZED Krispy Kreme doughnuts and the 2007 Playoff Tested Dallas Mavericks?

Answer: Absolutely Nothing.

-J

The Laker Curse (AKA Curse of the Logo) continues....

Congragulations Phil Jackson for another mediocre year and entertaining post season for Laker Haters everywhere. However, there was one subject missing that I found very odd. Every night I tuned in to watch the Lakers lose I noticed there was a distinct ommission of Phil Jackson "innovations" that he and his staff have taken credit for in previous championship years.

The most treasured invention is of course the "Triangle Offense". Did anyone notice that this stupid phrase was not mentioned more than twice during the Laker playoff run/exit? Why did the broadcasters stop drinking the Kool Aid? Does it only "work" when a Phil Jackson team wins??? Just for fun I decided to do a reimagined rendition of Phil's notes and playbook. This is a playbook simulation after watching 500 + games during Phil's baskeball tenure:

Step one: Have someone dribble the ball up.

Step two: Pass the ball to the most dominant player in the league. (Note to self, make sure to entrench yourself to a team that has the most dominant player in the league)

Step three: Have the most domininant player in the league shoot the damn ball.

Step Four: Try and take credit for it when you win. Use Tex Winter's steady hand and draw a pretty triangle.

Step Five: Wear a really smug look on yourself and tease the opposing teams underdog city while in the winning locker room press conferences. (Note to self: This does not work as well when losing a series. You must only do this during winning to show how much of an ass you can really be while being a hyprocrite to "zen buddhist thought" at the same time. )
Go Clippers. Til next year Laker fans.
-J

The Calvin Booth Identity Crisis

Washington Wizards back-up center Calvin Booth is a man in search of himself. Sometimes he’s a man about town, working rooms, and picking up ladies.



Other times he confuses playing for the Wizards with being an actual spell-casting wizard. Please note the following photo has not been retouched:

But the confounding quest for the soul of Calvin Booth becomes truly apparent when he takes the court. This is when the “Cal” tattoo on his left shoulder is visible. Nothing too unusual there. We here at Drive and Diss have “Drive and Diss” tattooed up and down each arm and leg as well as across our abdomen, but we digress. The “Cal” tattoo is so mystifying because it is in the exact same font as the logo for the University of California at Berkeley. Booth is from Ohio and attended Penn State. Booth has zero connection with the state of California. In fact, he has requested that the Wizards leave him home on any road trips that require travel through California. Could the tattoo be a desperate cry for help?



There is only one solution for Calvin Booth. He needs to get “Cal” tattooed in the wingdings font on his right shoulder. It will look something like this:


Witness Calvin Booth reborn with the elusive balance and inner peace he has been seeking his entire professional career. This should also drastically increase his rebounding numbers. Calvin Booth wins and more importantly, the Wizards win.

-E

Sad Photo of the Day

Good luck next year Mr. Wade. The Heat could not overcome the upstart Bulls. Here is to hoping for a healthier next year for you and for your running partner to overcome his fears of a healthy diet and lifestyle.

-J

How to Reinvent Your Troubled Franchise's Image: Step 1 of a series

Many draft picks ago, the Utah Jazz were solidifying their image. The Delta Center (or "The DC" as many geographically oblivious fans would fondly call it) was known as one of the strongest home courts in the NBA. John Stockton and Karl Malone played with immense pride that resonated with their elbows from rebounds and fists to opponents guts while setting those hard picks.

John with his choir boy image and Karl with his squirrel hunting persona created an ironic contrast to the "dirty player" accusations that followed them closer than their own shadows during their prime. Without a doubt, this was reinforced with the cold, steely gaze of Jerry Sloan yelling expletives along the sidelines.

Those days happened in what seems like many midwest championships ago. What we have now is a kinder, gentler Jazz. A "Smooth" Jazz if you will.

It is clear that the media machine brainchild of Smooth Jazz owner Larry Miller is reinventing his franchise akin to a child growing its' bangs to enter an emo phase. Today's Jazz no longer play in the "Big Business, buy your own damn lunch Delta Center". They play for a friendly logo now: "The Energy Solutions Arena".

The Utah Jazz have dropped a recognizable icon of the troubled airline industry to embrace a company about solutions. This is about you. This is about me. This is about a concern that we all face - What to do with Nuclear Waste? No, scratch that.... What to do with all this horrible, exessive, wasted "energy"? Energy Solutions has the answer.

It appears Larry had a solution as well. Nothing says "solution" more than the patch job he did on his once beloved Delta Center. Please feel free to admire the beautiful banner that was used as a "solution" for the once ugly Delta Insignia that littered the facade of the Jazz's home. (please ignore the strange, Delta Airlines logo that portrudes underneath. This is about a solution. An energy solution that all can embrace. One nuclear barrel at a time.)

-J

The Spurs are in Trouble

The San Antonio Spurs are facing a tougher than expected playoff series with the Denver Nuggets. And even if they can slip past A.I., 'Melo, and company, their performance thus far certainly does not bode well for the rest of the playoffs. The reason for this uninspired play is simple: not enough Brent Barry. The veteran shooting guard played only 12 minutes in game 1. If this trend continues, the Spurs are D.O.A.

Movie buffs and Scientoligists may remember Barry for his searing portrayal of Calvin Nack, the greedy ball player with the exclusive trading card contract in Jerry Maguire. Barry, however, is probably best known for his groundbreaking 1996 NBA slam dunk championship. He was not just the only white player to ever win, but also the first to wear a windbreaker during competition. Rumors have floated for years that the windbreaker concealed a potent salve made of anabolic steroids, human growth hormone, and cat food that gave him power to complete even the most challenging dunks. Nonsense. The windbreaker was simply a ruse. Barry intentionally looked like a gigantic tool. Otherwise, he would have scared off the other participants and there would have been no competition at all.

You see, Brent Barry is superhuman. And with him on the court, the Spurs are unstoppable. We are dubbing this theory "Windbreaker 1". Why the number "1"? Well, we believe this is the first sports theory ever to feature to feature the word "windbreaker", but by no means will it be the last. We just wanted to stake our claim as innovators.

There is a second theory floating around that is more grounded in "facts" and "reason" (whatever these things are). This is entitled the "The Spurs are in Trouble Because of Match-up Problems and Tired Legs" theory. Bruce Bowen is the Spurs defensive stalwart, but can he stick with 'Melo or A.I. over the course of a series? Will the Spurs extended playoff runs of the past decade start to catch up with Tim Duncan? Plus, Nuggets point guard Steve Blake can efficiently run a team; and he's no stranger to pressure situations having won a national championship at one of the country's great universities.

Wow, this alternate theory seems to make a whole lot of sense. But we're sticking with "Windbreaker 1" - so take heed Spurs coach Gregg Popovich. Play Brent Barry at least 30 minutes a night and you will get your fourth world championship.

-E

My formula for determining the MVP race

Have you guys been scratching your heads wondering who will win the useless honor of being MVP? Me neither. But it seems like a lot of journalists have gone to great lengths to figure out every statistical reasoning to solidify their stance for voting for Steve Nash or Dirk Nowitzki.

Because the media has thrown up every stat and efficiency rating to sway your opinion, I decided to do an independent study. I have used an exclusive stat that has only been incorporated here on Drive and Diss.

The "Google Drunken Stupor Image Stat" is my number one factor I have used in finding our MVP. You won't find this type of research anywhere else. The stat is simple: Who has the most drunk photos available on a Google search? The more drunk photos an MVP candidate has, the less likely they are deserving of that MVP trophy.

I typed "Steve Nash Drunk" under the Google Image search and then did the same for "Dirk Nowitzki Drunk". This is what I found:

images provided from:
http://www.seancoon.org/2005/05/drunken-ballers.html
http://czabe.com/daily/archives/2006/06/index.html

My count was 3 drunk Nowitzki images to one drunk Steve Nash image. It seems pretty clear cut to me. Nash definitely has the harder work ethic, and is less drunk on average than his good friend Dirk Nowitzki. According to the Assist to Hungover ratio, Nash is clearly the winner for MVP.

-J

Something Was Missing from Game 1 in Phoenix

There was something missing from today's game 1 in Phoenix. At first glance, it seemed to have all of the elements of the 2007 Lakers:

• Kobe playing brilliantly yet selfishly before tiring out after receiving little help from his teammates with the exception of Lamar Odom.
  



• Phil Jackson glowering on the sidelines, trying to prod his team with that bizzaro two-fingered whistle thing he does.
  



• Kwame Brown playing hot potato instead of the game of basketball. Somebody needs to tell Kwame the goal is to catch the ball when it is passed to him. And after the game, Kwame had the nerve to say they should have gone inside more. Well Kwame, I think the team might have lost a little confidence in your work after about the tenth or eleventh time you fumbled the ball away. The corpse of Wilt Chamberlain would have been more effective out there. True story.

But the one thing this game didn't have - it could not be found...on KCAL 9. And therefore the viewing audience was robbed of the dulcet tones of Stu Lantz, the most insightful basketball analyst of this or any other generation.

-E

RE: Refuting Our Own Theory

What an interesting spin to the NBA LOGO curse. Cementing the curse with facts all the more adds intrigue to the mix. Although there are holes in my personal version of the curse, you do have to put some conspiracy glasses on to truly enjoy the drama.

Has anyone ever noticed the gleam in Jeannie Buss' eye during interviews about Phil Jackson? This is what ultimately led to Jerry West's "health" problems as he stepped down. The writing was on the wall. Phil Jackson evolved from "Zen Master" to "Romance Master" as he wooed his way into the storied Laker organization. Chances are very good that Jerry West's tired hall of fame body was disgusted by the awkward flirtations exchanged between the opportunistic coach and the next in line owner. How else can one explain his miraculous gift of health as he wasted his talents on the Memphis Grizzlies mere moments later? It took literally 5 minutes for him to start his next job. He is Logo. He is Legend. He is Legend Logo.




I think what we have here is a "transfer" of the Lakers spirit that was embodied in the unlikeliest of heroes.... Mike Penberthy. Mike represented one of the last true moves of the Legend Logo. (Laker fans know full well the Zen Master would never actively recruit a small guard)

Jerry West, in one final sentimental move, more than likely placed the spirit of the lakers in this scrappy guard. Obviously, Phil sent the guard packing, and with him, any more successes for the NBA's favorite franchise.

Prediction: Two years from now Phil woos his way into the front office claiming a "successful" second stint with the current roster. Jeannie Buss will watch in awe as the Zen Master recruits one oversized mediocre guard after another as they watch classic guards like Steve Nash run circles around the triangle nonsense. Laker fans will be forced to watch highlights of their most recent championships of years ago during "remember when..." segments. Of course these will be suspiciously devoid of any Shaq material.... On KCAL 9.

-J

Refuting Our Own Theory

Wow, it appears we were wrong. We would like to immediately refute our own theory that Jerry West leaving was the cause of all of the Laker woes. In hindsight, this theory was full of holes: Jerry West was not disrespected by the organization. He cited his health when he resigned. Here is the real reason for the troubles: The team has not been the same (nor won a championship) since 3-point-shooting dynamo Mike Penberthy left the team in 2002. The cause of the Lakers woes will therefore now be known as the Curse of Mike Penberthy. Just take a look at his imposing mug over there on the right.

Simply terrifying. No wonder the team has not been the same without him. And here are some more facts on The Pen:

• Dude came from out of nowhere: He went to someplace called The Master’s College. I think a school called The Journeyman’s College would be more appropriate for The Pen, but at least it’s better than other accredited institutions of higher learning.
• Dude probably got muscled out of the league: He was listed at 6’3” and 185lbs; for a professional athlete that is downright ectomorphic. There is no way he could hold his own against the likes of strongmen Earl Boykins and Eric Piatkowski.
• Dude enjoyed parasailing with teammates Slava Medvedenko and Somaki Walker.

And nothing will be right again in Lakerland until The Pen is brought back by the organization.

So there you have it. An immediately retraction of the theory we used as a basis for this blog. But we don’t look at our initial theory as a mistake. Instead, it’s more like a frank give and take between, well, ourselves. Expect to see more of this groundbreaking “journalism” in the months to come.

-E

My theory on the Laker Curse

I thought I would start the 2007 nba playoffs with a fun set of facts. Have any of you Laker fans out there ever wondered why your team has been doomed to mediocrity forever? It is quite simple. Your dumb team fired Mr. Laker himself Jerry West. I call this the curse of the LOGO Jerry West.

Let's look at the facts:

Factoid 1: Jerry is dissrespected by the Laker organization and leaves in 2000.
Factoid 2: Phil Jackson rides the coat tails of Jerry's architecture but deserves an ASTERISK by those titles. Like usual, he sees an opportunity and puts his stamp of the "TRIANGLE NONSENSE" on it.
Factoid 3: Shaq is grumpy.
Factoid 4: Kobe is grumpy.
Factoid 5: Phil takes Shaq's side, and there is no NBA legend to quell the fires of the two youthful superstars.
Factoid 6: Kobe screws up his life and his practices are relegated to a different court.
Factoid 7: Shaq gets even more out of shape and leaves.
Factoid 8: Lakers don't win anything ever again.

It seems to me that all of the events started when the Lakers fired the NBA LOGO. The Curse of the Logo is in full effect this year and the Laker fans shall be sad and listless once again. Sucks to be you guys.

-J