Sad Photo of the Day

Good luck next year Mr. Wade. The Heat could not overcome the upstart Bulls. Here is to hoping for a healthier next year for you and for your running partner to overcome his fears of a healthy diet and lifestyle.

-J

How to Reinvent Your Troubled Franchise's Image: Step 1 of a series

Many draft picks ago, the Utah Jazz were solidifying their image. The Delta Center (or "The DC" as many geographically oblivious fans would fondly call it) was known as one of the strongest home courts in the NBA. John Stockton and Karl Malone played with immense pride that resonated with their elbows from rebounds and fists to opponents guts while setting those hard picks.

John with his choir boy image and Karl with his squirrel hunting persona created an ironic contrast to the "dirty player" accusations that followed them closer than their own shadows during their prime. Without a doubt, this was reinforced with the cold, steely gaze of Jerry Sloan yelling expletives along the sidelines.

Those days happened in what seems like many midwest championships ago. What we have now is a kinder, gentler Jazz. A "Smooth" Jazz if you will.

It is clear that the media machine brainchild of Smooth Jazz owner Larry Miller is reinventing his franchise akin to a child growing its' bangs to enter an emo phase. Today's Jazz no longer play in the "Big Business, buy your own damn lunch Delta Center". They play for a friendly logo now: "The Energy Solutions Arena".

The Utah Jazz have dropped a recognizable icon of the troubled airline industry to embrace a company about solutions. This is about you. This is about me. This is about a concern that we all face - What to do with Nuclear Waste? No, scratch that.... What to do with all this horrible, exessive, wasted "energy"? Energy Solutions has the answer.

It appears Larry had a solution as well. Nothing says "solution" more than the patch job he did on his once beloved Delta Center. Please feel free to admire the beautiful banner that was used as a "solution" for the once ugly Delta Insignia that littered the facade of the Jazz's home. (please ignore the strange, Delta Airlines logo that portrudes underneath. This is about a solution. An energy solution that all can embrace. One nuclear barrel at a time.)

-J

The Spurs are in Trouble

The San Antonio Spurs are facing a tougher than expected playoff series with the Denver Nuggets. And even if they can slip past A.I., 'Melo, and company, their performance thus far certainly does not bode well for the rest of the playoffs. The reason for this uninspired play is simple: not enough Brent Barry. The veteran shooting guard played only 12 minutes in game 1. If this trend continues, the Spurs are D.O.A.

Movie buffs and Scientoligists may remember Barry for his searing portrayal of Calvin Nack, the greedy ball player with the exclusive trading card contract in Jerry Maguire. Barry, however, is probably best known for his groundbreaking 1996 NBA slam dunk championship. He was not just the only white player to ever win, but also the first to wear a windbreaker during competition. Rumors have floated for years that the windbreaker concealed a potent salve made of anabolic steroids, human growth hormone, and cat food that gave him power to complete even the most challenging dunks. Nonsense. The windbreaker was simply a ruse. Barry intentionally looked like a gigantic tool. Otherwise, he would have scared off the other participants and there would have been no competition at all.

You see, Brent Barry is superhuman. And with him on the court, the Spurs are unstoppable. We are dubbing this theory "Windbreaker 1". Why the number "1"? Well, we believe this is the first sports theory ever to feature to feature the word "windbreaker", but by no means will it be the last. We just wanted to stake our claim as innovators.

There is a second theory floating around that is more grounded in "facts" and "reason" (whatever these things are). This is entitled the "The Spurs are in Trouble Because of Match-up Problems and Tired Legs" theory. Bruce Bowen is the Spurs defensive stalwart, but can he stick with 'Melo or A.I. over the course of a series? Will the Spurs extended playoff runs of the past decade start to catch up with Tim Duncan? Plus, Nuggets point guard Steve Blake can efficiently run a team; and he's no stranger to pressure situations having won a national championship at one of the country's great universities.

Wow, this alternate theory seems to make a whole lot of sense. But we're sticking with "Windbreaker 1" - so take heed Spurs coach Gregg Popovich. Play Brent Barry at least 30 minutes a night and you will get your fourth world championship.

-E

My formula for determining the MVP race

Have you guys been scratching your heads wondering who will win the useless honor of being MVP? Me neither. But it seems like a lot of journalists have gone to great lengths to figure out every statistical reasoning to solidify their stance for voting for Steve Nash or Dirk Nowitzki.

Because the media has thrown up every stat and efficiency rating to sway your opinion, I decided to do an independent study. I have used an exclusive stat that has only been incorporated here on Drive and Diss.

The "Google Drunken Stupor Image Stat" is my number one factor I have used in finding our MVP. You won't find this type of research anywhere else. The stat is simple: Who has the most drunk photos available on a Google search? The more drunk photos an MVP candidate has, the less likely they are deserving of that MVP trophy.

I typed "Steve Nash Drunk" under the Google Image search and then did the same for "Dirk Nowitzki Drunk". This is what I found:

images provided from:
http://www.seancoon.org/2005/05/drunken-ballers.html
http://czabe.com/daily/archives/2006/06/index.html

My count was 3 drunk Nowitzki images to one drunk Steve Nash image. It seems pretty clear cut to me. Nash definitely has the harder work ethic, and is less drunk on average than his good friend Dirk Nowitzki. According to the Assist to Hungover ratio, Nash is clearly the winner for MVP.

-J

Something Was Missing from Game 1 in Phoenix

There was something missing from today's game 1 in Phoenix. At first glance, it seemed to have all of the elements of the 2007 Lakers:

• Kobe playing brilliantly yet selfishly before tiring out after receiving little help from his teammates with the exception of Lamar Odom.
  



• Phil Jackson glowering on the sidelines, trying to prod his team with that bizzaro two-fingered whistle thing he does.
  



• Kwame Brown playing hot potato instead of the game of basketball. Somebody needs to tell Kwame the goal is to catch the ball when it is passed to him. And after the game, Kwame had the nerve to say they should have gone inside more. Well Kwame, I think the team might have lost a little confidence in your work after about the tenth or eleventh time you fumbled the ball away. The corpse of Wilt Chamberlain would have been more effective out there. True story.

But the one thing this game didn't have - it could not be found...on KCAL 9. And therefore the viewing audience was robbed of the dulcet tones of Stu Lantz, the most insightful basketball analyst of this or any other generation.

-E

RE: Refuting Our Own Theory

What an interesting spin to the NBA LOGO curse. Cementing the curse with facts all the more adds intrigue to the mix. Although there are holes in my personal version of the curse, you do have to put some conspiracy glasses on to truly enjoy the drama.

Has anyone ever noticed the gleam in Jeannie Buss' eye during interviews about Phil Jackson? This is what ultimately led to Jerry West's "health" problems as he stepped down. The writing was on the wall. Phil Jackson evolved from "Zen Master" to "Romance Master" as he wooed his way into the storied Laker organization. Chances are very good that Jerry West's tired hall of fame body was disgusted by the awkward flirtations exchanged between the opportunistic coach and the next in line owner. How else can one explain his miraculous gift of health as he wasted his talents on the Memphis Grizzlies mere moments later? It took literally 5 minutes for him to start his next job. He is Logo. He is Legend. He is Legend Logo.




I think what we have here is a "transfer" of the Lakers spirit that was embodied in the unlikeliest of heroes.... Mike Penberthy. Mike represented one of the last true moves of the Legend Logo. (Laker fans know full well the Zen Master would never actively recruit a small guard)

Jerry West, in one final sentimental move, more than likely placed the spirit of the lakers in this scrappy guard. Obviously, Phil sent the guard packing, and with him, any more successes for the NBA's favorite franchise.

Prediction: Two years from now Phil woos his way into the front office claiming a "successful" second stint with the current roster. Jeannie Buss will watch in awe as the Zen Master recruits one oversized mediocre guard after another as they watch classic guards like Steve Nash run circles around the triangle nonsense. Laker fans will be forced to watch highlights of their most recent championships of years ago during "remember when..." segments. Of course these will be suspiciously devoid of any Shaq material.... On KCAL 9.

-J

Refuting Our Own Theory

Wow, it appears we were wrong. We would like to immediately refute our own theory that Jerry West leaving was the cause of all of the Laker woes. In hindsight, this theory was full of holes: Jerry West was not disrespected by the organization. He cited his health when he resigned. Here is the real reason for the troubles: The team has not been the same (nor won a championship) since 3-point-shooting dynamo Mike Penberthy left the team in 2002. The cause of the Lakers woes will therefore now be known as the Curse of Mike Penberthy. Just take a look at his imposing mug over there on the right.

Simply terrifying. No wonder the team has not been the same without him. And here are some more facts on The Pen:

• Dude came from out of nowhere: He went to someplace called The Master’s College. I think a school called The Journeyman’s College would be more appropriate for The Pen, but at least it’s better than other accredited institutions of higher learning.
• Dude probably got muscled out of the league: He was listed at 6’3” and 185lbs; for a professional athlete that is downright ectomorphic. There is no way he could hold his own against the likes of strongmen Earl Boykins and Eric Piatkowski.
• Dude enjoyed parasailing with teammates Slava Medvedenko and Somaki Walker.

And nothing will be right again in Lakerland until The Pen is brought back by the organization.

So there you have it. An immediately retraction of the theory we used as a basis for this blog. But we don’t look at our initial theory as a mistake. Instead, it’s more like a frank give and take between, well, ourselves. Expect to see more of this groundbreaking “journalism” in the months to come.

-E

My theory on the Laker Curse

I thought I would start the 2007 nba playoffs with a fun set of facts. Have any of you Laker fans out there ever wondered why your team has been doomed to mediocrity forever? It is quite simple. Your dumb team fired Mr. Laker himself Jerry West. I call this the curse of the LOGO Jerry West.

Let's look at the facts:

Factoid 1: Jerry is dissrespected by the Laker organization and leaves in 2000.
Factoid 2: Phil Jackson rides the coat tails of Jerry's architecture but deserves an ASTERISK by those titles. Like usual, he sees an opportunity and puts his stamp of the "TRIANGLE NONSENSE" on it.
Factoid 3: Shaq is grumpy.
Factoid 4: Kobe is grumpy.
Factoid 5: Phil takes Shaq's side, and there is no NBA legend to quell the fires of the two youthful superstars.
Factoid 6: Kobe screws up his life and his practices are relegated to a different court.
Factoid 7: Shaq gets even more out of shape and leaves.
Factoid 8: Lakers don't win anything ever again.

It seems to me that all of the events started when the Lakers fired the NBA LOGO. The Curse of the Logo is in full effect this year and the Laker fans shall be sad and listless once again. Sucks to be you guys.

-J