The Spurs are in Trouble

The San Antonio Spurs are facing a tougher than expected playoff series with the Denver Nuggets. And even if they can slip past A.I., 'Melo, and company, their performance thus far certainly does not bode well for the rest of the playoffs. The reason for this uninspired play is simple: not enough Brent Barry. The veteran shooting guard played only 12 minutes in game 1. If this trend continues, the Spurs are D.O.A.

Movie buffs and Scientoligists may remember Barry for his searing portrayal of Calvin Nack, the greedy ball player with the exclusive trading card contract in Jerry Maguire. Barry, however, is probably best known for his groundbreaking 1996 NBA slam dunk championship. He was not just the only white player to ever win, but also the first to wear a windbreaker during competition. Rumors have floated for years that the windbreaker concealed a potent salve made of anabolic steroids, human growth hormone, and cat food that gave him power to complete even the most challenging dunks. Nonsense. The windbreaker was simply a ruse. Barry intentionally looked like a gigantic tool. Otherwise, he would have scared off the other participants and there would have been no competition at all.

You see, Brent Barry is superhuman. And with him on the court, the Spurs are unstoppable. We are dubbing this theory "Windbreaker 1". Why the number "1"? Well, we believe this is the first sports theory ever to feature to feature the word "windbreaker", but by no means will it be the last. We just wanted to stake our claim as innovators.

There is a second theory floating around that is more grounded in "facts" and "reason" (whatever these things are). This is entitled the "The Spurs are in Trouble Because of Match-up Problems and Tired Legs" theory. Bruce Bowen is the Spurs defensive stalwart, but can he stick with 'Melo or A.I. over the course of a series? Will the Spurs extended playoff runs of the past decade start to catch up with Tim Duncan? Plus, Nuggets point guard Steve Blake can efficiently run a team; and he's no stranger to pressure situations having won a national championship at one of the country's great universities.

Wow, this alternate theory seems to make a whole lot of sense. But we're sticking with "Windbreaker 1" - so take heed Spurs coach Gregg Popovich. Play Brent Barry at least 30 minutes a night and you will get your fourth world championship.

-E